Body Image/Goddess Image

Every morning after I get out of the shower and I have applied my various lotions and potions to my skin to keep me looking as young as possible, I look at myself...I mean really look at myself. And I never like what I see. Stretchmarks across my belly and thighs, and butt all testament to the combined 70lbs I gained from my two SUCCESSFUL pregnancies. My expanded waist line, expanded hips and out of control thighs, that make it damn near impossible for me to fit into my designer jeans without doing gymnastics just to get into them. My no longer perky posterior that always used to tickle my funny bone because when I wore short skirts or, yoga pants, it sat up high and round like a perfect little bubble, but looked like I had nothing there when wearing most of my other clothes. And last but definitely not least, my rounded pooch of a belly that screams I had children.

I stand in the mirror and I see this, and want to cry because I want to go back to how I was before I had kids. Back to my Maiden stage. But I can't unless I do yet another surgery (for those of you who know me, I got breast augmentation done back in January of 2010 to fill out and perk up my then "wrecked" breasts after breast feeding my two children). I have an appointment scheduled in September to have a consultation for a tummy tuck done months before my wedding next year. I want my body to be perfect. But when I sit down and see images of women who have "imperfect" bodies and loving the way they look, I start to wonder if my thinking has been flawed by modern day media and today's standards of beauty.



In ancient times, and even 60 to 70 years ago, women with soft curvy figures were seen as being attractive. Desirable. Now, it is stick thin women, but with round posteriors, and ample (not huge) breasts. Every day I find something new to hate about myself, and then I feel guilty because the Goddess created me, just like she has created every woman on this planet. Am I so bold as to say that the Goddess herself is flawed because of how of she looks in several of her many forms from the beginning of time to now.

Needless to say, this has brought a lot of thought to the definition of beauty. And I may never get a true definition, but I know that if the Goddess in her many, many, many forms can be beautiful to various women around the world, then I guess that in my current form as Mother, I am beautiful to.

Blessed Be!

The Magick Mirror

I was dreaming last night...Well I have been dreaming for the past couple of nights, but last night it was different. This dream I knew it was more than a dream. It was my inner self showing me that I was being betrayed/played yet again. I was forced awake from the dream by my daughter knocking on the door stating that she wanted to get showered. The images fading into a bleary eyed fog as I moped to the door.

After everyone had finally left the house, and I was heading back to go fix my daily cup of coffee, and wait for maintenance to come and fix the fan in our master bath, I had a chance to sit and think about what I saw, heard, and said...and what was said to me. And I knew at that point that I really couldn't trust that person. On any level. But, being human, and being someone who always tries to see the good points in those that they care about, I tried to ignore this telling of what I knew deep down was going on. It was bothering me so much, that I finally pulled out my tarot cards and did a reading. Something I haven't done in months. And I knew my skill at reading the cards was just as dusty from non-use, as the cards themselves. But I did it anyway. And what I saw told me that as much as I may try to ignore the situation, what I saw in my dream was true. I was betrayed...again. Oddly enough, in the dream, I told the person I wasn't mad at them. I wasn't going to judge them on what they did because it was not my place. That I was slightly hurt, but that was about it. They looked at me in tears. I think more so that I had caught them and was now decided on walking away, than anything else.

So sitting here now. I am feeling...nothing. The mild hurt that was there has passed. And I am feeling peaceful. Thankful even. Knowing what I know...I am just glad that I was given a chance to get my guard back up and protect myself before something happened that would have broken me. It has taken a long time for me to heal after all of these years of abuse from those I kept close to me. And like bones that break and mend, I am stronger for it, and I feel it. I thank the Goddess for my many blessings, and my many gifts. And more importantly for her guidance in my life because I feel that if I didn't have it, I would be just as miserable now, as I was all those years ago.


Blessed Be.

Bloody Wicked!

Just putting up a quick post about a giveaway a friend of mine is doing on her blog, Pagan Culture. It is the Witches In Fiction Party celebrating the second year anniversary of her blog. Go to the link below, and follow the directions she has listed to enter. And, good luck! Click Here To Enter.

THINGS TO CHECK OUT!

Everyday I see new sites, blogs, and items that I think you witchy boys and girls should check out. Sooooo, this page will be dedicated to those things. As I find more stuff, I will add them here. Check back frequently, cause I will be adding stuff weekly.




Pagan Culture

Handcrafted BOS by Witches Moon

Voodoo Tarot - I love this set. I use it ALL the time. Beautiful artwork, deeper meanings than standard Tarot cards.

Tarot Witch of the Black Rose - Best comic ever! Bout time someone showed witches in a positive light. Artwork is amazing in this thing.

School Bites - Created by Holly GoLightly, Mistress of Color for Tarot Witch of The Black Rose, and better half of Jim Balent, creator of Tarot.

The Ties That Bind

I have always been one of those people that found the institution of marriage to be something that was completely unnatural to human nature. You see so many people meet, fall in love, get married, and then a few years into their marriage, get tired of each other, or cannot work past their issues then part ways and move on to the next. So, it completely threw me for a loop when I married my college sweet heart. I was quite happy with him. I liked our relationship the way it was, but because of the "moral values" instilled in me and most of Western society, I felt I needed to marry him in order for our relationship to be validated by everyone else around us. So, we planned to have a handfasting, but because of both of our religious upbringings, we knew that was not going to fly with our families. Then, because of unfair pressure from my mother, we ended up eloping to get her off of our backs. Let's just say we have both agreed that THAT was the biggest mistake of our lives. One because we didn't have the ceremony/celebration that we wanted, and for me personally because we were legally tied to each other, and I felt like the cell doors had been closed on me and the key thrown away. Why couldn't we have had the courage, the back bone of Goldie Haan and Kirk Douglas to say "Fuck the world," and be with each other in a way that made US truly happy, and not everyone else happy?

In the beginning, when I was researching handfasting I saw that the people who originally used this ceremony for binding a couple together gave them a way to part ways if things were no longer loving between them. And that was a hand-parting. Now, we have legal separations, or outright divorces (let me just insert a note here, that the State of Texas does not have legal separation, they only have divorce). With all of the issues that me and my husband have had over the years, we have on more than one occasion wanted to find a way to separate from each other without having to go through the legal turmoil of a divorce, but with few options offered to us living in this ultra conservative state, we were only left with hundreds of dollars in counseling, and trying to work past our issues to get to the point where we are now.

The present day condition of our society makes it more obvious to me that we need to take some pointers from those who lived before us. Because they lived in a more balanced state with nature, and the cycles of nature, they understood that not everything lasts forever, and that sometimes, you just need to shed those things that have gone bad or died, and move forward. But because we are so set on how things should be, to fulfill our own warped sense of what the Divine wants for us, we are forcing our bodies, spirits, and hearts to be in a constant state of stagnation that in the long run is not healthy at all.

Now, almost 10 years since we said our "I do's," we are renewing our vows, and planning the wedding we never had. While I am excited about the big event, I am also acutely aware of the fact that this will bind us together even further. And while this has me screaming on the inside, I see this as a new start. We are having our handfasting this time around, and I know that if things really start to decline again between us, we will be able to part ways knowing that we loved each other enough to start over, and to give our relationship the due respect and chance to blossom the way it should have, naturally and in its own time...and the parting of ways between us won't be one made in anger and hatred towards each other, but in love and mutual respect.


Blessed Be.

Mainstream Society Meet Main Stream Witchcraft

While I was living in Atlanta (which seems like ages ago), My hubby and I would frequent a comic book store called Oxford Books. They had everything from the comics we grew up with, figurines, anime, role playing
games, trading card games, and "adult themed" comics. One night we were bored and being adventurous, and wandered into the adult section of the store. While browsing the very interesting titles and artwork, I came across this one comic with a tall, large breasted, flame haired witch on the cover. Not being able to take my eyes off the cover, I noticed that the title said, " Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose." I immediately picked up the issue, and followed my husband with his arm full of Marvel comics to the register.

It was almost 10:00 at night, pitch black outside except for the street lights, and I was sitting in the car completely enthralled by the story line, the myriad of colors, the creatures, and even further, that this comic was showing witches in a positive light. It discussed aspects of the craft that I was practicing, it was talking about the issues that witches face on a daily basis, and it made me feel more...normal.

That following week, I went back to Oxford and bought 5 issues, got them home immediately and read each issues from cover to cover non-stop. When the SU (Spousal Unit) got home, I quickly told him everything I read, how it made me feel. How the creators of this marvelous comic brought the real witchcraft to light to the public and showed how it is a valid spiritual practice, how we have rights just any anyone else does in the major world religions, and how they discuss and completely destroy the stereotypes that are out there about me and others like me. The only thing he could do was chuckle, kiss the top of my head, and say he is glad I found something I liked.

From that day forward each month, I made sure to get a new issue to not only get a much needed bit of entertainment, but also to learn more about myself and my spiritual path, but also how the world around me copes with things that they fear because they don't understand.

Long story short, the creators Jim Balent and his wife/mistress of color, Holly GoLightly are now my favorite comic book artists, favorite witches, and my FB friends. Check out their stuff at Jim Balent Studios.

Also, check out Holly's comic School Bites. It's about a girl turned vamp against her will, but now learning how to live and love as a hot vamp chick in this world and in hers.

Blessed Be, Everyone!

The Goddess Really Does Listen

Ok. So as most of you know, I am planning my big wedding for next year, and the expense of that will be nothing to sneeze at. But, what is little known (except to those in my inner circle) is that I am trying to buy a new car. Because my children are growing, and we just need a larger car, we have been trying to start allocating money to be able to get a car by this fall.

Now, with that said, I have been virtually biting my nails to the nub working and reworking financial calculations in my head to see the best way to accomplish both of these goals without causing us to have to skimp on one or the other. And the closer it gets to June, when we need to start finalizing which venue we will be using, the more stressed I have been getting. So, last week sometime I was stressing as usual, and I believe I prayed for a way financially for at least a part of this to work out. What happened next had me wide eyed, and on my knees last night at my altar, candles lit, and sending a prayer of thanks with a heart full of gratitude and love.

Yesterday, we went to go visit my in-laws and to let them have a chance to visit with their grand-kids. We sat around for a good bit, not much said, ended up leaving because my 20-something, immature sister in-law, who just had a baby pissed my husband off to the n-th degree. As we were walking out, his dad asked us if we would consider taking over the payments on his 2010 Honda CR-V that he bought just last year because he was close to retirement, on a fixed income, and getting ready to start his own business and need that money to put towards it. Now, even though I wasn't showing it, I was jumping up and down and doing my version of the Snoopy dance. We basically just got offered to take his car. No contracts no nothing. Just make the payments, and the car would be switched over into our name. Did I mention that this particular car was the model I was looking at for the past year? This solved ALL of our issues with these two major expenses. I now have a new car to start using before my little man starts kindergarten this year, and we didn't have to cut our wedding budget to get this much needed item to do it.

Last night as I sat on bended knee, I was almost on the verge of tears from happiness. Even though I did not have the offerings I would have like to have left to the Goddess in her form as Yemoja, I felt my meager gift of fresh cool water over the shells given to me by a friend from a beach in Jamaica was well appreciated, and accepted. And I prayed that she kept guiding me so that more things like this would happen for me and my family.


Blessed Be.