Every morning after I get out of the shower and I have applied my various lotions and potions to my skin to keep me looking as young as possible, I look at myself...I mean really look at myself. And I never like what I see. Stretchmarks across my belly and thighs, and butt all testament to the combined 70lbs I gained from my two SUCCESSFUL pregnancies. My expanded waist line, expanded hips and out of control thighs, that make it damn near impossible for me to fit into my designer jeans without doing gymnastics just to get into them. My no longer perky posterior that always used to tickle my funny bone because when I wore short skirts or, yoga pants, it sat up high and round like a perfect little bubble, but looked like I had nothing there when wearing most of my other clothes. And last but definitely not least, my rounded pooch of a belly that screams I had children.
I stand in the mirror and I see this, and want to cry because I want to go back to how I was before I had kids. Back to my Maiden stage. But I can't unless I do yet another surgery (for those of you who know me, I got breast augmentation done back in January of 2010 to fill out and perk up my then "wrecked" breasts after breast feeding my two children). I have an appointment scheduled in September to have a consultation for a tummy tuck done months before my wedding next year. I want my body to be perfect. But when I sit down and see images of women who have "imperfect" bodies and loving the way they look, I start to wonder if my thinking has been flawed by modern day media and today's standards of beauty.
In ancient times, and even 60 to 70 years ago, women with soft curvy figures were seen as being attractive. Desirable. Now, it is stick thin women, but with round posteriors, and ample (not huge) breasts. Every day I find something new to hate about myself, and then I feel guilty because the Goddess created me, just like she has created every woman on this planet. Am I so bold as to say that the Goddess herself is flawed because of how of she looks in several of her many forms from the beginning of time to now.
Needless to say, this has brought a lot of thought to the definition of beauty. And I may never get a true definition, but I know that if the Goddess in her many, many, many forms can be beautiful to various women around the world, then I guess that in my current form as Mother, I am beautiful to.
Blessed Be!
