Comfortable In Your Own Skin

So yesterday I got up after blogging about the imagery of an ivy in my most recent dream, and got showered and dressed to go get some light groceries to cook brunch with, for the fam. As I am digging through the numerous tops in my closet, I ultimately said "Fuck It," and bent down to the bottom drawer in my dresser to pull out my favorite graphic T. It says "Good Witch." I put this shirt away after last Samhain (Halloween, to my muggle counterparts). I didn't feel comfortable wearing it after the holiday because I didn't want to get questions from people about why I was wearing a t-shirt that says what it says and it isn't the time of year for it. Since i am still not completely out of the proverbial broom closet with a lot of people I know, I just kept it tucked away, along with a major part of who I am...and that is a child of the Goddess & the God...a witch.

Witch.

To be honest, whenever I hear the word, I cringe a bit because I think of all of the stereotypes that are out there about being a witch, and the other various pagan belief systems. And, with the world the way it is now, being something that is different than what mainstream society deems as normal and appropriate. I mean, let's take a look at how all of Islam is being vilified, when it is only a select few extremest Muslims who are causing all of this havoc. If we look into the past we see how thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of people were tortured and murdered by the Catholic Church because they believed that all of witchcraft was evil. When there was only probably a select few who actually took what was a beautiful spirituality/religion and twisted it into something dark. (Even though that isn't the real reason why the witch hunts were started.) But, I digress.

I pulled the shirt, put it on and stood in front of the mirror loving how it looked on me (even though the stretch of it across my now larger boobs was something you would see in a pinup poster...LOL!). I felt empowered. I felt blessed. I felt...I felt like a kick ass witch! I threw on some comfortable well worn jeans, my hot pink flip flops, pulled my Carol Brodie, Evil Eye pendant out from inside my shirt, and headed out the door. Smile on my face and not caring what others thought.

As I walked into Whole Foods searching for my brunch sweet and savories, I noticed a few people giving me sideways glances, but I really didn't care. Yes it is Sunday (a holy day...a day of rest for Christians), but I did nothing to disrespect them or their beliefs. I just showed that I was proud and secure in mine. I think that is what matters the most. Being secure in who you are.

So, as I sat there on my couch, watching the hubby playing a video game, and munching on some plantain chips, I think about all of the pain and suffering I went through trying to hide who I was. And to that I just say, "No more...No more."


Love & Light everyone!

The Ivy Covered Door

Last night was the same as the previous nights. I was dreaming again.
And even though I don't remember most of it, I remember a woman talking to me. I can remember whether or not she physically guided me to what has been an indelible image burned in my minds eye or not, but I know I was guided to it one way or another.

The image is of a potted ivy plant. And from what I can gather, it is an English Ivy. A beautiful emerald green color with three points on it leaves (no people, not three leaves per section...that would be poison ivy). the vines vines and leave grew upwards from the pot in a beautiful lace type of pattern. But there was one large leaf that sat regally in the lower center of this nature made tapestry.

So, as usual, I woke up pulled out my phone, and Googled "Goddess" + "ivy," and this is what came up:

The power of the Ivy lies in its ability to cling and bind, making it a potent symbol of determination and strength to the Druids. Ivy has been known to strangle trees and was once a portent of death and spiritual growth. Being evergreen in nature, the Ivy represented the perennial aspects of the human psyche. The Celts associated Ivy with their Lunar Goddess, Arianrhod, and their ritual to this deity marked the opening of the portal to the OtherWorld...or the Dark Side of the Moon. This door symbolized an entrance to the Realm of Faery and thus, the Ivy was representative of the mysterious and the mystical. Ivy was once carried by women for good luck and used to aid in fertility. When used correctly, it was said to heal headaches, muscle cramps and assist in the art of prophecy. Ivy was symbolic of the journey of the soul and the spiral toward to the self. It encouraged assistance toward others in their search so that they, in turn, might offer assistance...Since ancient times, the Vine and the Ivy have been regarded as enemies. If the Vine, through intoxication, released prophetic powers, then the Ivy, in contrast, was a means of communicating with inner resources, bestowing upon an individual the ability to see through the eyes of the soul and beyond the everyday world.

I feel like this symbol was shown to me to let me know that I am on the right path in concerns to my spiritual growth. That I have found and can now open the door to my inner self as well as to the Divine. I say this because for the past couple of nights, I have prayed to the Goddess telling her that I was ready and not scared off by the things I have been shown so far. Last night I prayed and told her that I was ready for what it was I needed to be shown. I was ready to make this journey. Ever heard of that old adage, be careful what you wish for? (LOL!) Well I am not too worried about it. I am actually looking forward to dreaming again tonight. I feel like I have started to learn more stuff about myself that seemed so hidden away that I would have never been able to access it.

As I lay here in bed, I looked around my bedroom and saw it differently. It was like it was my room, but it was different somehow...like I was seeing it with new eyes (if that makes any sense). I wonder how things are going to look to when when I finally get ready for the day and go outside. Will the blue of the sky seem bluer? The greens greener? The sounds seem more like a well organized symphony to me instead of just the usual everyday noise I had always considered it? We will see, but for now, I think I am going to throw on my robe and go out onto my patio garden and enjoy the bit of nature that the Goddess has gifted me to be able to grow.

"Just call me Cailly"

Yet another dream happened today. My dreaming was abruptly interrupted last night by the barely 1 year old girl in the apartment next door to me. Her incessant screaming for over an hour last night, while it felt like her parents were doing absolutely nothing, truly ticked me off and completely wore me out. But there was nothing I could do except lay there in bed until I could finally go back to sleep. I woke up this morning to the kids banging on our bedroom door, the new kitten and both of my other cats making the apartment their own personal playground, and my mother calling me to order her some earrings and a bracelet from HSN because her paranoia is so great that she refuses to get online or call in to order the shit herself. She rather I do it, and then she reimburses me...

Anyway, when I was finally able to close my eyes and rest for about 30 maybe 40 mins (Chris and the kids were down stairs at the pool), I dreamt I was at some camping site or forest reserve where they have camping. It sorta reminded me of Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts camping area but bigger. I started off on a farm property, and walked down a path to a to an open field area that had another path running across it and then nothing but forest in front of me. I was following three people, but there were other people running, giggling, having fun and running into the woods. One of the people I was following was blindfolded. He was being led by a young woman. There was another woman with them. The one who was leading him asked him if he wanted to continue, because if he did there was no turning back. He stopped, turned in one direction then back to her and nodded his head yes. They continued into the thick green blackness of the woods, and I was right on their heels.

We came upon a Big cabin like structure. It was warmly lit inside and out, and there were big glass windows fit into the reddish brown wood logs of the structure. We went inside and there were people all around. The were eating and having fun and socializing. a few minutes later everyone started to run out front. I followed but did not go out. I stood with some others who were dressed in blue capes with rainbows on the back. As the doors opened again I saw everyone in fun costumes some with half masks on, some with just costumes and painted faces, and outlandish hair, but the all had the blue capes with rainbows on the back. I saw my former boss, Stride by. I chuckled to myself because I was surprised seeing her there, but at the same time, not really.

I sat down in a big comfy chair (also the same color blue of the capes), and two women came over to me. I don't remember what the younger one looked like, but the older one stood out to me. She was of average height, kinda heavy set/jolly, looked like she was in her 50's, and had shoulder length curly red hair. we were talking for a bit, and finally she told me to call her Cailly. She said she had tried to get in contact with me while she was locked up, but wasn't able to. She then went on to tell me that she saw my business online and liked it but said that I was going about it the wrong way. That I needed to have my own separate site and not where I have it now. I quickly shot her down and said that my business was doing fine where it was and that my main issue was just marketing. Once I got the marketing going the way I needed to it would pick up better. But what got me was that I lied to her and told her I had someone developing a website for me off of Google's online business network. Just when she was getting ready to respond, that is when the phone rang again, and I woke up...My mother calling about that damn jewelry again.

It took me all of 5 mins after getting off the phone with my mother, still groggy as all hell to get up and research the images in this dream. At first, I started looking for Orishas with red hair, but nothing came up. Then I decided to look up goddesses with the name Cailly. As soon as I typed in "goddess caill..." Google's smart search pulled up the goddess Cailleach. She is supposedly another aspect of my patron goddess, Brighid. Where Brighid rules over the light half of the year, Cailleach rules over the dark half.

What got me though was that when I was reading more about her, I saw that in one version of her story, as Brighid takes control of the year around Beltaine, Cailleach is turned into stone or, locked away in stone..."I tried contacting you while I was locked up, but..." I had chills running through me while I read that.

I sat wondering what else I could decipher from this dream. The prominent rainbow symbols that were on the back of every one's capes/cloaks made me think of the Orisha, Oya. My Santera told me yesterday that she thought I was more a child of Oya than of Yemaya. As I researched Cailleach more, I found out that she is a goddess of death. She ushers in the change, and move out those things that are no longer needed while finding and holding on to those precious seeds of life that are left behind. Much like Oya. She provides the breath of life at birth, and to her it returns at death.

I went to go see the "Old Man", John, at Magick Cauldron today. I had to. With everything that has been happening, and until I can go see the man who will give me my Ifa consultation, I need as much sage advice as possible. John looked floored about my dream concerning Elegua, and he seemed very interested in the dream I just had today. He ended up getting me a mixed oil to use tonight to help me open up and be able to interpret any further dreams that I end up having.

As I walked around his store, the first thing that caught my eye was a silver pendant with the Veve of Maman Brigitte on it. I wanted that pendant. I felt I had to have it. Like it belonged with me. But, I didn't get it. But I know before this upcoming week is out, It will be mine. Anyway, I asked John if he could look up Maman Brigette for me, and everything that she is matches up with Oya, Cailleach, and Brighid. What was said to me yesterday at the botanica seems to be ringing true...I am a child of Oya. I am a child of Brighid, so why wouldn't I be the child of her African face as well.

As more stuff is revealed to me, the more at ease I feel. The better I feel about all of this. I told John before I left, that years ago when I felt ready for all of this, I guess the Divine knew deep down I wasn't. And now, with everything that has been going on in my life, and I feel less than ready to walk out my front door, much less deal with all the Divine is throwing my way, I AM actually ready to start handling it. Go figure.

The Ebony Man In Red

I was dreaming again last night. I don't remember most of the dream, but what I do remember, I feel as if it was what I was suppose to keep with me. I remember walking into an empty room. There was a man...he was sooo beautiful. he looked like he was carved from a single piece of perfectly polished ebony. He wore bright red cotton pants (the type you see on men during Carnival in Rio de Janiero) and no shirt. The strangest thing about him was that he had a red feather like thing sticking out of the top of his head.

I have never, in my life been so drawn to a person as I was to him. And it wasn't even like a sexual attraction, it felt like I was his. Like I needed to be enveloped by him.
I walked up to him. He looked at me arms outstretched, as I walked towards him. I was saying something to him, but I don't know what it was. There was no sound, just my lips moving as if I were speaking. Next, I am enfolded in his strong arms. He sits down, and I curl up in his lap like a child. He cradles me as if I were his child. I stay that way with him...happy...content...warm...safe, and then...I wake up.

Waking up was the worse. I have never felt so alone and so torn as I did at that exact moment. But, then I felt calm, and an excitement rolled through me that told me something very special just happened.

Had an appointment with my Santera today. She told me that I saw Elegua. Keeper of the crossroads, and opener/closer of doors. She smiled when I describe him to her. Just the look on her face told me that this was very special. She told me that the spirits were trying to tell me something, and I needed to cleanse myself, and calm my mind through meditation so that I may hear what they needed to convey to me clearly. She added that she felt from everything I have experienced so far, that it means I am about to walk a very spiritual path. Elegua's presence says that the path...the door has been opened for me, now all I have to do is walk through it.

I think my biggest question is, am I ready for this? Well if the Divine through her aspects of the Orishas, seems to think so, then I guess I am.

Yemaya is calling

Ever since I had this dream on Saturday about Yemaya, my mind has been in utter turmoil. Here I am a witch who started off in a Celtic belief system, now studying the Italian Stregheria, and has been touched by a Yoruba Orisha...This is confusing to say the least.

I sent my dream to a local Santera I know, and She said that it was a sign that I was to walk the path of Santeria. I was elated and at the same time mortified at what this meant. The personal responsibility and dedication that this required was not what I needed at this particular time in my life. I was and still am scared. But a part of me is yearning to do this. To walk this path. To maybe, just maybe finally feel whole.

I sent (my) Santera an email today explaining every reason in the world of why I could not embarks on this journey at this point in time, all the while feeling like I was lying to not only myself, but to her, and to the Orisha who was waiting for me to recognize that they had been with me this entire short 32 year span of my life.

[Side note: If she is reading this, I hope she understands my fears and does not hold it against me.]

Anyway, this whole night I have been laying in bed reading The Santeria Experience, by Migene Gonzalez Wippler, and I have gotten to Chapter 7 where she discusses without “discussing” the ceremonies and ritual she went through in her official initiation into the religion that is Santeria. I was slapped full force by her own words, which echoed the fear and uncertainty that is in my own heart about this journey.

“…I was not sure I wanted to make the total commitment that Santeria demands of its practitioners…”

These words held a truth that I am struggling with now. The COMMITMENT that all santeros have when it comes to their Orishas is astounding to say the least, and utterly awe inspiring to say the most. There are aspects of this religion that strike fear in my heart, because it goes against everything I have been taught and believe.

But, the one tenant that brings comfort to me is their respect for life. All forms of life. This respect for God, and nature, which in many major religions is just a manifestation of the Divine, is what keeps me from completely running away screaming holding up a cross, and turning a fire hose of holy water on even the mere thought of doing this.

The only thing I can do is pray to the Goddess that she protects and guides me through this new journey. As of late I feel like se has heard and answered all of my prayers…no matter how small and trivial. I just hope she will hear this one and hold my hand through this.

Through The Looking Glass

I was talking to a friend of mine a week or so before my breast augmentation surgery, and she stated that she didn't see why I would want to go under the knife. That being a child of the Goddess, I was perfect the way I was. I thought about what she said. And it really had me starting to doubt the choice I made about having this surgery. Was I really perfect?

Since I was a teenager, and puberty was none too kind to me, I always saw myself as this rogue beast. I was too skinny. I didn't have the softer curves that all the other girls had, that the boys were just drooling over. I had hairy arms and legs...and the list just went on and on. Then to add on top of that, the reinforcement of my physical insecurities by my peers and even by my own family created this filter of "ugliness" that I always saw every time I looked into a mirror. And I still struggle with trying to look past that "filter" and see my true self, today.

In the end, I chose to physically change myself (not make myself "perfect") to show on the outside what had taken over 20 years for me to feel on the inside. And that was beautiful...sexy...and complete. Don't get me wrong. I still have some areas of myself that after child birth, and hormonal changes that I would like to get corrected before the year is out, but the one change I have made already was my first step through the looking glass to seeing me...the true me, and that piece of the beautiful Divine within.

Out Of The Broom Closet

I was going through my jewelry box this morning, and came across a heavily tarnished piece of circular silver with an open work star in the center, and a small deep blue sapphire. It was the pentacle I bought back in Atlanta when I dedicated myself to the Goddess & the God. It is my favorite piece. I used to wear it everyday, but when I moved down here, I had to stop wearing it. And that felt like I was removing a piece of myself.

Even though Atlanta is still within the Bible Belt, it was more liberal, more open to differences in beliefs than what Houston is. Then, to add on top of it, my husband's family are die hard Christians. His dad's side of the family are devout Catholics. Anything other than Christian beliefs are just wrong in their eyes, and I have been told by the patriarch of their family, Papi (my husband's grandfather), that unless I bring my children up in the church, preferably the Catholic church, that they will be lost forever. You can imagine how I felt about that. I was pissed. Hurt. Ready to tell the old man and the rest of the family to kiss my round, brown, PAGAN ass. But I didn't. I just tucked my silver crescent moon into my shirt, and went out side on the verge of tears but more pissed than anything else, and proceeded to rip my husband a new one for that bit of bull shit that happened.

How do you handle something like that? How can you look at yourself and your spirituality with the same respect and love, and peace after a situation like that. Because of that situation and the constant badgering from my mother about my "going to hell", or my children's "souls" being in jeopardy because of my beliefs, I have questioned everything about myself. My core beliefs are so fractured from all of this negativity, that I feel I have to hide who I am. Not only from my family, my co-workers, and my friends, but also from myself.

I lost my crescent moon...the one I had since my 21st birthday, back in October before I went to NYC for a friend's wedding (a whole other story I will have to blog about later). Even if things change and I feel that I can freely wear the pentacle I have had for 10 years now, the negative memories that are now attached to it have made it impossible for me to wear. "I am witch," as a dear friend of mine would say (who might I add, is also a witch). I can cleanse it, clear it, and re-consecrate it...but, the memories that are associated with it will always still be there. I have gotten other jewelry that have expressed my spirituality, but none of them held the same power and significance to me as my crescent moon and silver & sapphire pentacle. But then again, I haven't had the same trials and triumphs with these other pieces that I had with the aforementioned.

2010 is a new start for me, which means I need to start to let go of the past. Like I said on the previous post, I will be doing a spell of Release on the upcoming full moon. And I think...I think I will be letting go of my pentacle as well. I need to move on. It may hurt a bit to let it go, but it will be healthier for me to do that than to hold onto something that while it brings a lot of good memories, it also has a lot of bad ones too. Who knows. Maybe after all is said and done, I will finally feel comfortable enough to wear a pentacle. I saw one that I really like, and it fits into my studies right now (I am studying Stregheria). I also picked up a book on my legal rights being Pagan, just in case I have problems from co-workers or my supervisors about rights to reasonable religious expression.

New beginnings...Why do they have to be so scary?

Awakening...

I sat down the other night with my husband and told him how I understood how Kali felt when she realized that her bare feet were on her husband. I got up and went to our bedroom, and pulled the statue of Kali and Shiva out from next to my altar. I brought it up front to the living room and let it rest on the floor while I explained to my husband that I felt her rage and anger and "blood lust" with the things that have happened in my life over the years. And, my "acting out" and putting my husband through all of the stuff I put him through because I did not know how to control what I was feeling...I truly understood. She was consumed by the demons she was dealing with, and so was I. Unfortunately, unless you have that support system there to help you stay grounded and within yourself, you can lose control, and end up hurting the ones who love you the most. And that is basically what I did.

This realization has helped me to open up a bit more with the hubby. It has helped me to heal a little bit, where for years I felt lost in the darkness. Now, I have a renewed will to get back into my spiritual practices. I feel that in understanding myself spiritually, I will be able to understand myself emotionally.

It is a half a moon, and I feel the cool air of this Texas winter night brushing across my bare skin and caressing me like an unseen lover. It awakens my senses, and sweeps away those things that have clouded my mind, heart, and spirit for so long. Pulling my sweater up around my shoulders, I just stop...lift my head to the sky, close my eyes, and let the light of the moon bathe me. It is at this point that I feel like I am truly ready to move forward.

The next full moon that comes, I will be doing a spell of release. I have not done this since living in Atlanta. It is a very powerful spell. It released a lot of stuff out of my life with such force that my whole world was turned upside down and inside out when things finally took affect. Now, I feel it is time I do it again. If I want to have a better relationship with my family, have a better connection with my husband/my life mate/my lover/my best friend, and if I truly want to begin to heal a lot of my deepest wounds, then this has to be done. I just pray that the Goddess & the God help me to stay strong during this transition, and help me to piece back together the fragments, so that I can become whole once more...

So Mote It Be.