Through The Looking Glass

I was talking to a friend of mine a week or so before my breast augmentation surgery, and she stated that she didn't see why I would want to go under the knife. That being a child of the Goddess, I was perfect the way I was. I thought about what she said. And it really had me starting to doubt the choice I made about having this surgery. Was I really perfect?

Since I was a teenager, and puberty was none too kind to me, I always saw myself as this rogue beast. I was too skinny. I didn't have the softer curves that all the other girls had, that the boys were just drooling over. I had hairy arms and legs...and the list just went on and on. Then to add on top of that, the reinforcement of my physical insecurities by my peers and even by my own family created this filter of "ugliness" that I always saw every time I looked into a mirror. And I still struggle with trying to look past that "filter" and see my true self, today.

In the end, I chose to physically change myself (not make myself "perfect") to show on the outside what had taken over 20 years for me to feel on the inside. And that was beautiful...sexy...and complete. Don't get me wrong. I still have some areas of myself that after child birth, and hormonal changes that I would like to get corrected before the year is out, but the one change I have made already was my first step through the looking glass to seeing me...the true me, and that piece of the beautiful Divine within.

Out Of The Broom Closet

I was going through my jewelry box this morning, and came across a heavily tarnished piece of circular silver with an open work star in the center, and a small deep blue sapphire. It was the pentacle I bought back in Atlanta when I dedicated myself to the Goddess & the God. It is my favorite piece. I used to wear it everyday, but when I moved down here, I had to stop wearing it. And that felt like I was removing a piece of myself.

Even though Atlanta is still within the Bible Belt, it was more liberal, more open to differences in beliefs than what Houston is. Then, to add on top of it, my husband's family are die hard Christians. His dad's side of the family are devout Catholics. Anything other than Christian beliefs are just wrong in their eyes, and I have been told by the patriarch of their family, Papi (my husband's grandfather), that unless I bring my children up in the church, preferably the Catholic church, that they will be lost forever. You can imagine how I felt about that. I was pissed. Hurt. Ready to tell the old man and the rest of the family to kiss my round, brown, PAGAN ass. But I didn't. I just tucked my silver crescent moon into my shirt, and went out side on the verge of tears but more pissed than anything else, and proceeded to rip my husband a new one for that bit of bull shit that happened.

How do you handle something like that? How can you look at yourself and your spirituality with the same respect and love, and peace after a situation like that. Because of that situation and the constant badgering from my mother about my "going to hell", or my children's "souls" being in jeopardy because of my beliefs, I have questioned everything about myself. My core beliefs are so fractured from all of this negativity, that I feel I have to hide who I am. Not only from my family, my co-workers, and my friends, but also from myself.

I lost my crescent moon...the one I had since my 21st birthday, back in October before I went to NYC for a friend's wedding (a whole other story I will have to blog about later). Even if things change and I feel that I can freely wear the pentacle I have had for 10 years now, the negative memories that are now attached to it have made it impossible for me to wear. "I am witch," as a dear friend of mine would say (who might I add, is also a witch). I can cleanse it, clear it, and re-consecrate it...but, the memories that are associated with it will always still be there. I have gotten other jewelry that have expressed my spirituality, but none of them held the same power and significance to me as my crescent moon and silver & sapphire pentacle. But then again, I haven't had the same trials and triumphs with these other pieces that I had with the aforementioned.

2010 is a new start for me, which means I need to start to let go of the past. Like I said on the previous post, I will be doing a spell of Release on the upcoming full moon. And I think...I think I will be letting go of my pentacle as well. I need to move on. It may hurt a bit to let it go, but it will be healthier for me to do that than to hold onto something that while it brings a lot of good memories, it also has a lot of bad ones too. Who knows. Maybe after all is said and done, I will finally feel comfortable enough to wear a pentacle. I saw one that I really like, and it fits into my studies right now (I am studying Stregheria). I also picked up a book on my legal rights being Pagan, just in case I have problems from co-workers or my supervisors about rights to reasonable religious expression.

New beginnings...Why do they have to be so scary?

Awakening...

I sat down the other night with my husband and told him how I understood how Kali felt when she realized that her bare feet were on her husband. I got up and went to our bedroom, and pulled the statue of Kali and Shiva out from next to my altar. I brought it up front to the living room and let it rest on the floor while I explained to my husband that I felt her rage and anger and "blood lust" with the things that have happened in my life over the years. And, my "acting out" and putting my husband through all of the stuff I put him through because I did not know how to control what I was feeling...I truly understood. She was consumed by the demons she was dealing with, and so was I. Unfortunately, unless you have that support system there to help you stay grounded and within yourself, you can lose control, and end up hurting the ones who love you the most. And that is basically what I did.

This realization has helped me to open up a bit more with the hubby. It has helped me to heal a little bit, where for years I felt lost in the darkness. Now, I have a renewed will to get back into my spiritual practices. I feel that in understanding myself spiritually, I will be able to understand myself emotionally.

It is a half a moon, and I feel the cool air of this Texas winter night brushing across my bare skin and caressing me like an unseen lover. It awakens my senses, and sweeps away those things that have clouded my mind, heart, and spirit for so long. Pulling my sweater up around my shoulders, I just stop...lift my head to the sky, close my eyes, and let the light of the moon bathe me. It is at this point that I feel like I am truly ready to move forward.

The next full moon that comes, I will be doing a spell of release. I have not done this since living in Atlanta. It is a very powerful spell. It released a lot of stuff out of my life with such force that my whole world was turned upside down and inside out when things finally took affect. Now, I feel it is time I do it again. If I want to have a better relationship with my family, have a better connection with my husband/my life mate/my lover/my best friend, and if I truly want to begin to heal a lot of my deepest wounds, then this has to be done. I just pray that the Goddess & the God help me to stay strong during this transition, and help me to piece back together the fragments, so that I can become whole once more...

So Mote It Be.